So it seems to me, that when I post new blogs or information on my website there are trolls that attack me and want me to publish their false accusations. I wonder if they really thought that was smart.. I have no problems exposing the truth or the people that are like this because they are abusers, or they wouldn’t need to try so hard to silence my voice once again.
Covert narcissists, just like malignant mothers, tend to attack everything I say using the “abusive” projection argument in their gaslighting, so instead of worrying about those people who waste their time defending their lies and shallow behaviors, I would send a free link of a recent book I have been reading to heal my own childhood traumas and mother wound, so other women who have had the burdens of mothering their mothers, or having “depressed” mothers, or PILL popping addicted mothers, enmeshing/controlling mothers, or many other types of mothers that affect us that cause our own self-worth issues. WOMEN seem to feel the need to compete with each other since radical feminism/extremism turned into women with chopped off breasts for such a cause.
https://pdfroom.com/books/mothers-who-cant-love-a-healing-guide-for-daughters/vxdzNKbZdRV
Highlights of the book, along with the healing exercises:
The Taboo Of Questioning Your Mother’s Love: You feel disloyal by telling the truth, after all “She gave you life”. Daughters of unloving mothers are often able to say, “My mom is depressed”, “My mom is driving me crazy”, “My mom is self-absorbed.” All your life you’ve been trapped in the belief that you, not your mother, is flawed.
- Severely Narcissistic Mother: Insatiable need for admiration, must be the center of attention and lunges for the spotlight anytime she feels it moving from her to you, is critical and competitive when mother feels threatened. Criticism like, “You’re overly sensitive”, “You’re so unforgiving”, “You always take me the wrong way”
- Overly Enmeshed Mother: Must be the most important person in her daughters life, erases the boundaries between them, commonly describes her daughter as her “best friend” and cannot foster her daughter’s healthy independence. Separation is not allowed, these mothers see it as a betrayal to them. Uses “gifts” as a way to manipulate behavior. The trap of “let me do it for you” creates dependency on her.
-Enmeshed mothers rule of love “You are my everything and that makes you responsible for my happiness”, “You can’t live without me, and I can’t live without you.” “You’re not allowed to have a life that doesn’t involve me.” “You are not allowed to keep any secrets from me.” “You must never love anyone more than you love me.” “‘No’ means you don’t love me.” “If you don’t do what I want, it means you don’t love me.”
- The Control Freak: “Because I said so”.
Mother uses her daughter to fill the void of feeling powerless in other aspects of her life. These mothers make their needs, wants and demands clearly known, and threaten severe consequences anytime their daughters try to honor a different agenda. “Mother knows best” followed by criticisms of your appearance, choice of schools, job, partners, wedding preparations and make the most of your vulnerability. Perfectionists that hold you to impossible standards. Daughters of unloving mothers almost universally promise themselves one thing: If I do nothing else in my life, I will never turn into my mother.
- Mothers Who Need Mothering: Caught in the undertow of depression or addiction, daughters have to care for them and the rest of the family as well. Role reversal take hold as the daughter is thrust out of her own childhood to parent her childlike mother, all while starved for guidance and protection her mother is unable to give her. Depression doesn’t erase her responsibility to you. “Life is terrible”, “Why did I marry your father?” “What have I don’t with my life?” “I wish I had never been born.”
As an adult, she’s responsible for taking steps to change her situation and improve her life, as is true for all adults. “You’re so wonderful for helping me” replaces the daughters’ sense of being who she is.
*If you are a woman who grew up with a mother who abdicated her maternal role, you may have taken a great deal of satisfaction from being needed. Some of the behavior looks noble on the surface, but you’ve paid dearly for it. You got cheated out of a childhood and you have the right to be both sad and angry about that.
- Mothers Who Neglect, Betray and Batter: “You’re always causing trouble.”
The invisible daughter, the one that hungers for love so much she’ll do anything to get it, never learned she could just be loved for being herself. Mothers look at their children like they are a bother or a disruption to fantasies and plans they had for themselves.
The darkest end of the spectrum of mothers, unable to summon any warmth at all, leaving their daughters unprotected from abuse at the hands of other family members, even physically abusing their daughters themselves.
-Just as a lioness will battle to the death any creature that threatens her cubs, a loving mother must do no less. Of all responsibilities that a mother must fulfill if her daughter is to THRIVE, perhaps the greatest protection. A mother who KNOWINGLY fails to protect her daughter from harm or physical or sexual abuse at the hands of a father/stepfather or anyone else is guilty of aiding and abetting the perpetrator. Emotional abandonment takes on traumatic and dangerous facets when she betrays her daughter by standing by and allowing physical or sexual harm to befall her.
In an abusive marriage the mother becomes a terrified child, far more concerned with defending herself against physical or emotional violence than she is about keeping her daughter safe. She hides and sometimes uses her child as a shield to take the brunt of the abuser’s treatment, instead of taking the necessary steps to get the abuser out of the house. When mother is out of control, common kitchen objects turn into weapons.
Having children is one of the most powerful triggers for reactivating dark memories.
Check the link below for an 8 minute video about narcissistic mothers and mothers’ day….quite a complex day for many who have been raised like this. Complicated grief as explained by Dr. Romani.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHxEZBOtH2s
-The Mothers’ “You are” programming becomes the daughters’ “I am”. Many of those statements have reflected her disapproval, criticism, or helplessness. Your real job as a person is to individuate and build a life of your own, and your mothers’ role is to help you, but if your beliefs echo your mothers’ messages, not any sort of rational truth, throughout your life they color your feelings and behavior. The material in the unconscious is so uncomfortable for us that it has been pushed out of sight to protect us from our deepest shames, insecurities, and fears about ourselves.
***Unconscious programming picks our husbands, determines how much success we’re allowed to have and shapes the quality of our relationships and emotional well-being.
False messages that demean you: - You’re so selfish.
- You’re so ungrateful.
- There’s something wrong with you.
- You can’t do anything right.
- You only think about yourself.
- You don’t know how to be loving.
- You’re such a disappointment to me.
- You’re nothing but a burden
- You’re more trouble than you’re worth.
- You’re the cause of all the trouble/shame/abuse in the family. If you were a better person this never would have happened.
- You are my whole life.
- You’ll always be my little girl.
- My feelings are more important than yours.
- It’s your job to take care of me.
- It’s your job to obey me.
- It’s your job to respect me and that means doing things my way.
- You have no right to challenge me or say anything bad about me, after all I gave you life.
- Honour thy mother means you should never get upset with me.
- You have no right to disagree.
- It’s your job to keep the peace in the family without rocking the boat or resisting what I want.
- It’s your job to protect family secrets.
Choosing a good counselor who isn’t afraid of diving into the muck with you is important.
If you find ones who are dismissive (In my personal life I had this as well when I went to a therapist), leave them and find another.
They likely will say things such as - That’s all in the past and you need to move on.
- Let’s just deal with the here and now.
- You need to cut your mother some slack. She had problems too.
- You don’t want to spend your life feeling sorry for yourself.
- You need to forgive and forget and get on with your life.
