Shame

Oh shame. Brene Brown is the shame master researcher who speaks often about vulnerability. Vulnerability is where we find healing and acceptance, but if misused or abused, that vulnerability can be a deep sense of shame. But what is shame? Ever heard the term, “Shame on you!” That is a person’s attempt to make you feel bad, not just for maybe doing something bad (as doing something bad elicits guilt) but is a direct attempt to make you feel like you ARE bad to the core.

Shame is where we identify as BEING bad, and unworthy of whatever it is we are seeking. You may feel unworthy or shameful in a variety of ways. I was listening to some of my training webinars and I can’t remember exactly what triggered the flow of what I considered shame to be within myself, but how I am also seeing the shame in others regarding their mask wearing or how they interact with others. So for a brief state of being vulnerable to overcome the shame. I have already done much of this work in past years due to my chronic pain issues and all that entailed. I have engaged in the necessary shadow work or re-parenting, but I want to teach others how to do so as well. Learning, teaching and application is really not that difficult and I am hopeful that my research, application and training is helpful to others so they can become their best self…. I am also very new to blogging so this is a new adventure for me.

According to psychology today, they define shame as, “Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or circumstance can trigger feelings of shame, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals and standards.” Brene Brown identifies shame as, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”.

The grounding exercise I was doing at the time of recognizing the shame I had that I could finally put into words started out with a simple exercise of looking around me and finding what makes me uncomfortable. It turned out to be the water cooler over my right shoulder that made me feel uneasy. All while thinking, “well that’s odd, it’s just an object I wonder where that came from?” Then, all of a sudden a flood of answers came over me. It all stemmed from my hypervigilance of being in a state of fear from either a cousin coming at me to maybe scare or hit me, to a parent standing over my shoulder getting angry at me because I couldn’t understand the homework, to being watched while I was online by an ex partner. It was all about the feelings of being unsafe.

This opened up more floodgates of ways I felt shame. So I ask you to dig into the things that make you feel shame. WHAT ways are you afraid to be vulnerable and why? WHO gave you those messages? HOW can you prove those messages are wrong? WHERE can you change the messaging you are giving yourself instead of repeating those same shame cycles? Let me show you my list and maybe it’ll trigger some exploration within yourself.

Shame to me is/was:

• Showing my tears and crying, makes others uncomfortable and angry.
• Being myself, who is half of my Dad who I was taught was the bad man.
• Is showing anger. (It was ok for others to show it, just not me)
• Is complaining (Someone always has it worse – this is toxic positivity)
• Asking for help (When I asked for help I was met with anger)
• Being heard. (I was told kids should be seen and not heard)
• Being irresponsible when others counted on me. (This resulted in punishment)
• Saying NO (Must always say yes to parents to keep them calm)
• Having an untidy or disorganized home.
• Being a bad parent. (This one created further trauma in itself for me, because I was already taught I was bad based on having a “bad dad”)
• Not caring for others in any way possible. (Other people always come before you, you are unimportant compared to them.)
• Turning my back on people I love and who say they love me. (Talk is cheap though from others often times)
• Self-care. (This is not longer an option in my life. I finally come first in my own world so I can be my best version of myself to give to others. Self care is NOT selfish, self-care is giving yourself permission to say, “wow I am really tired and I deserve to spend a night to relax instead of all these obligations to other people” and then taking a hot bath and reading a good book or something!)

In each of the above bullet points, I chose to reframe them into something much kinder. If I had a friend come up to me and state these were the shame messages, the reframing would look like this:

• Shame is crying or showing tears. Reframe: Crying is a healthy and natural way to feel sadness and I have to get it out of my body or it will create issues for me later in life.
• Being myself. Reframe: If it wasn’t for my Dad I wouldn’t be here at all so I can at least love that part of me that is him. I am grateful to be alive.
• Showing anger. Reframe: Sometimes I will be angry and that is ok, as long as I do not physically hurt anyone I can find ways to feel it productively.
• Complaining. Reframe: Sometimes I need to vent and feel heard with trusted people. Be sure to find solutions whenever possible, but not everything in life is easy so this is ok to do sometimes.
• Asking for help. Reframe: I cannot do everything on my own, asking for help is a way to be kind to myself so I’m not trying to be superwoman and end up frustrated because I feel like I have to do it all.
• Being heard. Reframe: Many people have appreciated what I have had to say and have learned and I have helped them. My voice matters just like theirs does.
• Being irresponsible. Reframe: I had to be responsible since I was 11 years old. I give myself permission sometimes to be child like so I can keep in touch with my inner child, as long as being irresponsible doesn’t hurt others physically.
• Saying NO. Reframe: I have every right to say no. NO is a complete sentence with no explanation needed.
• Having an untidy or disorganized home. Reframe: Who really cares if it’s cluttered? If people are over to check out the cleanliness of my home we probably shouldn’t be friends anyways… I accept that sometimes I am a hot mess with my books and notes everywhere.
• Being a bad parent. Reframe: We all make mistakes raising our children. Mistakes do not make someone bad, it makes us learn. Bad is also subjective and I’ll do my best to ensure children in my life do not have to recover from their childhood, to the best of my ability.
• Not caring for others in any way possible. Reframe: Sometimes I have to care for myself first, because if I don’t take care of me first, I cannot take care of them.
• Turning my back on people I love or who say they love me. Reframe: I can only do so much, boundaries are important. Be sure the relationships I have are not one sided and are about give and take, instead of me just giving all the time to the point of exhaustion and depletion. Talk is also very cheap, watch the actions.
• Self-care. Reframe: If I don’t engage in self care, I will continue to engage in the shame cycle because I put myself last. So instead, I give myself permission to put myself first and listen to my body.